This is normally when I look back on the spent year and reflect upon what I’ve accomplished and what I haven’t and then go on to set some goals for the new year. My focus has typically been on my writing, as that’s been the main goal-related emphasis of my energies, attention, and ambition for over a decade, arguably for most of my lifetime. But this year, my priorities are different. 2014 will be all about kicking cancer’s ass, taking back what it has stolen from me, and most of all, simply surviving it.
I’m finding, halfway through my chemo schedule, that I’m going through cycles of bleakness heading into each new round. The pain and exhaustion and sickness that accompanies the start of each cycle, the increasing mental fogginess–it’s becoming terribly easy to fixate on what I’m going through, which in turn makes me more inclined to wallow in the dourer possibilities and spiral into negativity and depression. And I realized I need to zoom out a bit. These upcoming months are not going to be ones to savor, not ones to stop and sniff flowers during; they’re something that must be endured and then put behind me.
So this year, my resolution is to keep looking forward, head up and eyes planted firmly on the horizon, and to maintain the certainty that I will get to that distant place up ahead. All this necessary unpleasantness will do upon me as it must as I forge along, with each step bringing me closer to a time when this will become something I went through–in the past and done with, albeit not forgotten.
Goodbye and good riddance, 2013. Bring it, 2014.