First and foremost, I wanted to say that I’m overwhelmed and touched by the wave of compassion and concern I’ve received in the last couple days. All the comments and messages and emails you’ve sent are truly bolstering me during this time when I’m very much floundering.
I wish I could thank every one of you individually for your outpouring of support, condolences, and offers of help, but I’m still shell shocked right now. All my responses and thought processes are wonky and unpredictable; I don’t seem to have the emotional reserves to respond to folks without breaking down again. And I’m really, really feeling done with the constant waterworks.
Next–and I don’t know if this counts as “wonky and unpredictable” or it’s just how I am…both, probably–but I thought for a bit about bequeathing a cutesy pet name upon my tumor, Toomi or Mortor or something ridiculous like that, in order to defuse some of the terror it holds over me. But in the end, I decided not to.
Reason the first: My natural sensibilities veer heavily towards the weird and macabre, and I can see myself actually starting to think of it affectionately if I did so. Totally twisted-wrongness there, because:
Reason the second, the crucial vital reason: This tumor is my enemy, and I don’t give pet names to things I despise.
Folks who know me well know that I have a temper. Folks who know me really well know I have a relationship with my anger; I’m actually fond of it. Anger clears my head, blots out fear and pain, keeps me from from being a victim. It drives me to act and rail and fight instead of shutting down and being trampled over by Bad Things That Happen.
I wish I were more angry right now. It’s come in flickers in the last couple days, but I can’t seem to hold onto it.
I think it’s coming more often, though. I hope so. This horrible thing, this tumor growing in my head deserves my hatred, my rage for what it’s doing to me, for the pain it’s already caused me, the pain it will inflict on me yet, and for what it may ultimately take from me.
I want to be so very, very angry at it.